Bahare Hedayat

Brief aus dem Evin-Gefängnis

Bahare Hedayat ist 1981 geboren, Frauenrechtlerin und eigentlich studentische Aktivistin, auch wenn sie durch zahlreiche Haftstrafen ein wenig alt ist, um noch so bezeichnet zu werden. Im Mai 2010 wurde sie wegen ihrer politischen Aktivitäten zu 9,5 Jahren Haft im berüchtigten Evin-Gefängnis verurteilt.

Was sich liest, wie eine mitreißende und traurige Kurzgeschichte im Tagebuch-Stil, ist leider ein echter Brief von Bahare, den sie ihrem Mann Amin bei einem Besuch mitgegeben hat. Da er so rührend und doch furchtbar inspirierend ist, möchten wir ihn hier veröffentlichen.

Wer mehr über Bahare erfahren möchte, kann sich unter dem folgenden Link noch zusätzlich informieren.

Hintergrundinfos zu Bahare Hedayat
Hier ist Bahares Brief:
Amin wrote:
Last Sunday was her birthday. She finished the translation of an English
novel. She gave/presented me the translation and a paper napkin with these words on
-8th of February 2010 / Prosecuter’s office
I am facinga table, behind it there is a man in his 50s, with gray hair
and beard. In front of him on the table there are a few thick files. He was
going through the folders, opening them, taking a look, and closing them.
After few times, he finally looked at me, and said „You will get a 20 years
I answered: “ What’s going on Hadj Agha?!“ I didn’t say a word more. He was
going through the folders again. A few seconds later, again he turned his head up to
me “ You will be sentences to 20 years.“
I lost the ground under my feet. My knees were shaking. My heart was
about to jump out of my chest. “ What’s going on Hadj Agha? I haven’t done
anything wrong.“I said with a shaking voice. I could hardly control my
facial muscles… I was feeling a lump in the throat, damn! Don’t cry!. He
was again back to his folder, and his „documentations“. He showed me the
first page.“The final report of the interrogator“ . I didn’t have my glasses
with me, I could only read the typed big letters at the end , And from
Allah is reconciling. He looked up again, “ This eports 17 charges
against you. Even if only 4 – 5 of them get recognized as a crime in the
court, you will get a 10-years sentence“ he said.
10 years!? Being apart from Amin for 10 years? Damn, no cry please! Oh if I
could return to the cell right now. It will be awful if I start crying now,
he would think I am soliciting, or perhaps I am regretful. I looked at him.
Could he understand what love means? I looked at him. Wrinkled forehead,
depressed cheeks, untidy beard, long thin lips. Could he understand?
„Do you know Morteza? He was at court, and he said all… his words were
based on the truth“ he said. Words failed me. That’s why the interrogator
didn’t ask for me during the last 3 weeks.
„If you, too, want…“ he said.
I was about to vomit. I looked at his hand this time with a remained signes of an
unsuccessful terror. Perhaps he thinks we all are sort of terrorists too, only
that we lack the tools… The famous new prosecuter, that is him then, ha?. I am lucky
that the previous one was removed from higher-up. I was arrested at the right
time! I’ve heard this new one is not that bad.
“ Do you want to see Morteza?“ he interrupted my thoughts. Morteza! I
couldn’t bear him even outside, I answered “ have nothing to do with Morteza.
My husband, I want to see my husband“.
10 years? He is kidding me, how long have I been activist at all to get
such a sentence? From 2006. How many years it is? 2006, 2007, 2008..Aah, my
fingers are shivering. 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009,…damn! I can’t count.
Anyhow, it is not 10 years. 10 years not being beside Amin? Is it possible?
He was talking „…public court..“, and later some other words and “ The
regime’s compassion..“.
I will tell him right away. I will tell him that we fought 6 years to be
able to get married. I will tell him we have been together under a roof only
for one year.
Hesaid “ We routed all of you, didn’t you see?…“ I said.“ Who did you
arrest Hadj Agha? You captured every random person in the street, and brought
them here. There is a 19 year old kid in our cell. What have we all done?
We said don’t kill people…“. Damn! I was not supposed to tell this last
one. He is angry on his own , I should not make him worse. Ok, lets say
something to distract him from the kill-word. But I have right, I get angry too when he none stop says 10 years
10 years, I can’t!
„Ali was also here. His parents were there as well. Very loyal family to
the regime, nice believers to the regime. He was confirming that he made a
mistake. He was indeed regretful of his past actions…“ he was lying, this one
is impossible. “ You wanna become a hero, ha?“ he said. Hero! C’mon! What
is he talking about?I just want to go back to Amin. I said“ I haven’t done
anything wrong Hadj Agha. There were only two bulletins, and four
interviews with media“. “ Will you deny the content officially?“ he said.
What the..! deny!? He was lokking at another page in his folder, started to read
the first paragraph of our September bulletin. He made a big mistake. He
should not have started reading that for me. I cheered up immediately.
Perfect, such an amazing sentence Abbas wrote here. Bravo! He was reading
another one, and again another one…Memories were flying in my head, and I
was cheering up, getting happy. O’O‘, be careful, he should not notice this happiness.
“ Are you ready to deny these?“ he said at the end.
“ Well…I could say that the language of these could have been softer
perhaps, but I am afraid I can not deny the content.“ I answered after the
doping. “ Your interrogator was saying you are headstrong“ he said, and I
continued “ Who ever among us denied it , did it because of pressure.
They are forced to lie“. He said “ Whom did we force? Morteza himself …“.
-“ I don’t know about Morteza specifically, but I watched the public court
of Abdullah Momeni. I know this, you know even better, he knows himself
too, that all he said was untrue. Why should he say such stuff? It’s clear
that you tortured him“. Oops I shouldn’t have said torture. I should have
said keeping him under pressure. It’s worth it though, I feel better that I
said that. He kept me seated here to tell me whatever he wanted to. He
thinks I am dump! My hands are frozen. Is it bad if I blow on my hands now?
He is telling me „Wait and see, everybody will get out of here but you.
Morteza went to the court, he will get out, he won’t stay here“. I don’t
give a fuck. „Ali will be released, too. Until the new year’s eve, everybody
is at home…“. Really? No, he lies. If they send Ali home, they should send
me too. I was about to say I trust him what ever he says I will say. Then I
doubted, instead I said “ We have had similar analysis and actions outside.
Whatever we have done, we did it together. Bring Ali here, I want to talk
to him, I can’t get what he has told you“. “ He has said, he is regretful“
he said. I“t is impossible.“ I said “ It is impossible“.
He went to another topic “ Did you hold the students day anniversary last
year?“. Hmm, it was such an amazing event . Such a memorable unique
one…Will Mehdi leave Iran? Those days… Good that Abbas fled, at least I
am not worried about him…Damn, damn you all! Why don’t you leave us alone?
He finally stopped „You can go back to your cell“. I stood up. „Do you want
something?“ he asked. Of course! “ Telephone, I want to call my husband“.
He looked at the guard „let her call“. The famous guard of 209 prison with
his gray hair and beard. He has a long face, and green naughty eyes. During
our conversation, he was commenting several times “ Mr. prosecuter, she can’t
get fixed“,“ I know her. Every year she is here. She does the same thing again
whenever she gets out“,“She is not fixable“…
I said “ Hadj Agha, this man..“ what shall I say! “ This man isn’t getting
along well with me. He won’t let me call when we go out of your office“ I
said. “ Call from here then“ he turned his phone set to me. Such a great
prosecuter! Good that they exchanged the previous one! The guard is dialing the
numbers..0..9..1..I am so excited, I will hear his voice in a second.“
Mr. Ahmadyan? Husband of Bahareh Hedayat?“ the guard said, and passed the
phone to me.
-“ Halo?“
: “ Bahar, my darling“
felt like hearing the ocean deep in the dungeon…felt like seeing the
infinite blue of the ocean from right in the middle of the dark. How much have
I missed you. Damn! No cry, talk, talk instead of crying! I can’t. No cry.
I can’t….I pressed the phone to my chest. He should not notice that I am
crying. He would get worried that I am feeling bad. He will get sad…Damn,
don’t cry girl in front of these two at least.
I can’t
I can’t
My tears are coming, silently…
The guard is in front of me, he wanted to take the phone “ You don’t talk,
I will disconnect the call“. I am begging! “ no no I will talk“ I bring the
phone back to my ear, but my tears don’t want to stop.
: „Bahar, are you cryin?..“
-“ Amin…“
{Amin…I miss you so much, damn.}
_“ Are you fine my dear? Two persons are here, I can’t really talk“
: “ Have they annoyed you?“
{They screwed me. My head was on the fire all the time.} -“ No, I am fine“
;“ Are you in 209 prison?“
: “ Single cell?“
-“ No“
:“ Where are you right now?“
-“ In the prosecuter’s office“
:“ What does he say?“
{He says I can not see you for 10 year } – „Nothing“
: “ Morteza was at court“
-“ I know“
: “ How do you know!“
{my sweet nosy! }
– “ They themselves said it“
: “ Do not be afraid. Be strong“
-“ Ok“
:“ promise me“
: “ I am with you, we will take you out“
{ can’t…}
:“ You will all come out“
-“ Yeah“
:“ I am proud of you“
{ Proud of what? Why? I have been begging for hearing your voice. My knees
and hands were shivering the whole the time. What are you proud of?? The guard
is giving signs.}
-“ I should go for now. Take good care of yourself“ {and it drops }“don’t get
:“ Don’t worry, nothing will happen to me, you will come out, too“
{Heh…no Amin, this time is not like last times…}
:“ no chance to get rid of me…“
{I love you.}
-“ Anything else ?“
:“ take care, I love you“
{Me too like hell.}
– „Good bye“
I put the phone back to the set. On the set’s display is 1minute and forty
one seconds.
Four years and two months have passed from that day. And I still adore you.
I adore the ocean’s voice!
I haven’t died being apart from you, though it is strange.
I got used to it. But sometimes I remember… Human beings are alive because
of love. I don’t know about all, but at least I am like that. Faran says“
It ’s a hormonal shock“. Maybe. She says “ This mania is because you’ve
never spent enough time together“. She is a psychologist. I don’t care what she
thinks. I feel the weight of my heart when you are not with me, without any
hormonal role!
I read books here, watch movies, talk to girls, make jokes, knit…but the
fact that you are not here is always with me.
More than four years and 3 months have passed from that 10 years. I tried
my best to be strong, just the way you wanted me to be. I tried to not be
afraid, just the way you expected from me…or maybe I had no other choice…
Whatever has happened, little or much, keep it as the love of a
regretful girl…a 21 year old, unexperienced young girl, who fought 6
months with herself to avoid falling for you,…a 21
year old girl, whose venture defeated her shame finally and who told you that she loves
you….a 22 years old girl, who watched you leave..that night in Sadum
square, when you kissed her hand and told her goodbye forever….The 22
year old girl, who, in the morning of 8 th of February, became one with
you….a 23 year old girl, who didn’t bear your absence, and she didn’t
believe you don’t love her….a 24 year old girl, who did everything to
forget you and your love, and she couldn’t….a 25 year old girl, who was
lost because of falling for you….the 26 year old girl, who was totally
pessimistic and disappointed……
and now, these days, I am getting 33, and yet…I am waiting for living
with you…
I need an unbearable lightness…here the life is heavy.
And now, this simple love story is your gift, in our 12th meeting
anniversary, pure from politics, and prison, and…only because of the love
which has rescued me and you, all these past years.
Your Spring,
Evin Prison